governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
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I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.