I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
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Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.