Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
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One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Challenge accepted.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it