I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
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Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl