The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
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God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
What if the weather talks about us?
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.