Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
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Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor