( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
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ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Google Pay be like:
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.