Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
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Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.