my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
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*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.