the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
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A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.