I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
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Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Never be a pizza!
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.