My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
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Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches