Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
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Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth