If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
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Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I’m having an out of money experience.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.