*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

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In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.


I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit


[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.


Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?


There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.


MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.


The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.


I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.


I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit