@007Pepe_Rex

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

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@RickAaron

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

@FatherWithTwins

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

@JermHimselfish

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

@dulcetry

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

@candlelit_moth

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

@Shariv67

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.