@007Pepe_Rex

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

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@Cornjerker78

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

@KeepOnPogging

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

@PLATINUM2000

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

@schumoo

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

@CherBear162

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

@LoveNLunchmeat

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

@magisternihil

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

@wilw

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

@KevinHart4real

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit