Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
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A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.