Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
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I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.