me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
My blood type is b hungry.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
New mindset, who dis?
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.