[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
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“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
🤣🤣
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok