MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
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“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…