MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
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I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.