I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
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When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.