@DCpierson

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

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@Brianhopecomedy

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

@KngHnryVIII

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

@dunwaIl

jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community

@AmishSuperModel

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

@tastefactory

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

@BobTheSuit

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

@wife_housy

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

@ColoradoUgly

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.