wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
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Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Dead sexy!!