Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
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my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.