Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
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I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag: