Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.