Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
You Might Also Like
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*