Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

For the baby who has everything

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

British websites use biscuits.

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.