Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
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I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
For the baby who has everything
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Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
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Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
British websites use biscuits.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.