If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
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*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person