Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
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ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA