Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
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Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
True?
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.