i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
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I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Breaking news:
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower