*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
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The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Me :
All Day At Night
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.