My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
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Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.