[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy![]()
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[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he