[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
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Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
You learn something every day
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.