Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
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Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant