Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
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When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.