Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
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Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …