bought wrong eggs
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This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Saturday
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud