I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
You Might Also Like
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY