Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.