I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
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Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Not all heroes wear capes…
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.