My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
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In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.