Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
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A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times