Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
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Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help