“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
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Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine