Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
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Woke up with morning Yule Log
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
The Struggle
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses