Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Covid like
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Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”