god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
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The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
my favorite genre of twitter
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat