I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
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What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Plant care tips
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you