My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
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My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Who did it better?
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)