@TopherKearby Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
@megan_thescript If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
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@TopherKearby 
@UncleDuke1969 Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
@Stellacopter If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
@I_Bl33d_Purple No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
@Holy_Mowgli [first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
@TheAlexNevil “I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
@DestineyLynn *Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
@goodgrief_rats Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
@jimmytorosian “I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
@JediGigi Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops