If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
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[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.