If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
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Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?