If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
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I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”