If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
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I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.