If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

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Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!


No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.


[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light


*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.


Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.


Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops