New comic up. “Ransom”
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If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.